I’ve done something completely out of my comfort zone today. It’s worrying just how much it’s thrown me. I’m currently going through a crisis of confidence – nothing I ever do is good enough, everyone else is so much better than me, I’ll never be up to their standard, I’m a waste of space, there’s no point even trying… you get the idea.
I’m trying to ignore it and push through, but I’ve gaslighted myself so much over the years that it’s hard. On the one hand, I’m trying to be more myself, to stop worrying about conforming, to acknowledge what I like and what I want. On the other hand, I’m telling myself that my feelings are wrong, that I can’t give in to them, that I need to push through. Feel the fear and do it anyway, isn’t that the saying?
It’s hard when you consider yourself to be a child amongst adults. I read a book (Rachel’s Holiday, I believe) that said that when you use a coping mechanism (in Rachel’s case it was drugs), your development is frozen at that point. It’s only when you face your fears and manage without your coping mechanism that you start developing and growing again.
So I guess that makes me around gawky teenager stage…
I really do feel as though that’s where I am. I was never a typical teenager. Never hit the rebellious stage, always did as I was told, never made a fuss. I was taught to ignore my own needs and wants and consider myself merely an accessory to those around me, to accept what they offered and not ask for more. It’s incredibly hard to break out of that.
And not having time and space to myself is starting to wear me down. I’ve done a lot of peopling recently, and the pressure is building.
As a teenager I went on a boating trip with people from Sunday School/youth club. There were four boats, and 9 kids plus 2 adults on each boat. I remember one night it all got too much for me. We were moored in a field near Windsor, and I left the boat and walked out into the middle of the field in the dark, then stood there quietly. I saw people moving between boats. I learned later they were concerned and looking for me – I didn’t expect that. But I so needed that decompression time!
These days I’ll usually deal with it by getting a day bus ticket and travelling all around the area for a day. Trouble is, I have plenty of work at the moment, so don’t really have time to slack off.
On the other hand, as the pressure grows work becomes harder and harder and I work slower and slower… so sometimes it’s necessary just to stop for a while and sharpen my mental axe before continuing.
The voices in my head 