Voice control

I’m currently in a hotel in Brighton for a convention for the tv show Lucifer. These are some of the thoughts running around my head as I take part in the biggest social outing of my life so far.

I’ve written before about the voices in my head – for convenience I’ve named them:

Annie is my child voice. Annie wants to try all the things, go all the places, have fun, be loud. Annie is my favourite.

Betty is my parent voice. Betty is cautious, careful, quiet. She always wants to hang back, play it safe. I appreciate Betty’s concern.

Charlie is the one I hate. He’s the nasty one, always negative, always hurtful.

Many times, Charlie will gang up with Betty and hold me back. And it’s hard to accept Betty’s concern without internalising some of Charlie’s nastiness.

For example, buying presents. Annie says it’s fun to find something that shows I care and that the recipient would like. Betty will complain that money is tight and that I shouldn’t spend too much. Then Charlie joins in to say that I’ll either get the wrong thing, spend too much or they won’t want it anyway, so why bother?

I’m trying to listen to Annie more often, but it’s not easy!

But now, thanks to Lucifer, I have more voices to add:

Lucifer is on my shoulder saying you know you want to, why shouldn’t you do what would make you happy?

Ella says just think the best of everyone. You might bring it out in them.

Maze says self worth comes from within, bitches.

Dr Linda says you understand why you have this struggle and you can choose which voices to follow.

Dan says just take what comes and plough through regardless.

Amenadiel says it’s probably a test, so do your best and you’ll come out stronger.

And Chloe just rolls her eyes and says stop overthinking and making everything about you.

So between all these voices, I’m starting to find a better way forward.

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Focus on change

If you focus on results you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get resultsThere are many results I want to see in my life. And yet focusing on those results is counter-productive, because it just draws attention to the difference between where I am and where I want to be. Something I come back to time and again is that the process matters far more than the end results. Sure, results can be important, but if I spend hours on a painting that ends up a mess, it can be far too easy to focus on the mess and ignore the learning that’s come out of it. If I spend an evening writing a story that ends up rubbish, it’s tempting to overlook the fact that I’ve learned two or three methods that don’t work and maybe figured out a better way to tackle things.

Over the next month, I’m going to be attempting to focus on change: things that need to change, things that I want to change, things that are changing around me.

My aim will be to end the month having established new routines and ways of doing things that will leave me in a stronger position to move forward, and make it easier to achieve the results I want to achieve.

Wish me luck!