Voice control

I’m currently in a hotel in Brighton for a convention for the tv show Lucifer. These are some of the thoughts running around my head as I take part in the biggest social outing of my life so far.

I’ve written before about the voices in my head – for convenience I’ve named them:

Annie is my child voice. Annie wants to try all the things, go all the places, have fun, be loud. Annie is my favourite.

Betty is my parent voice. Betty is cautious, careful, quiet. She always wants to hang back, play it safe. I appreciate Betty’s concern.

Charlie is the one I hate. He’s the nasty one, always negative, always hurtful.

Many times, Charlie will gang up with Betty and hold me back. And it’s hard to accept Betty’s concern without internalising some of Charlie’s nastiness.

For example, buying presents. Annie says it’s fun to find something that shows I care and that the recipient would like. Betty will complain that money is tight and that I shouldn’t spend too much. Then Charlie joins in to say that I’ll either get the wrong thing, spend too much or they won’t want it anyway, so why bother?

I’m trying to listen to Annie more often, but it’s not easy!

But now, thanks to Lucifer, I have more voices to add:

Lucifer is on my shoulder saying you know you want to, why shouldn’t you do what would make you happy?

Ella says just think the best of everyone. You might bring it out in them.

Maze says self worth comes from within, bitches.

Dr Linda says you understand why you have this struggle and you can choose which voices to follow.

Dan says just take what comes and plough through regardless.

Amenadiel says it’s probably a test, so do your best and you’ll come out stronger.

And Chloe just rolls her eyes and says stop overthinking and making everything about you.

So between all these voices, I’m starting to find a better way forward.

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Short term goals

It’s time for me to decide on specific short-term goals to move towards, on the way to bigger goals. So the aims for the next two weeks:

I want to beat my parkrun personal best (PB), so I need to spend plenty of time exercising and also concentrate on eating sensibly to improve health and get closer to my target weight. Both of these will help me achieve my short-term goal.

I want to get into the habit of writing regularly, so I’ll be doing morning pages every day and I’m also going to aim for 1000 words of fiction a day. They don’t have to be good fiction, in fact I’m going to aim for quantity above quality, because the idea is that once I’m actually writing I can focus on an area at a time to improve. So the first step is to aim for a habit of writing 1000 words of fiction every evening before bed (thinking constructively here: then I’ll go to bed with that in my head and dream about the next part of the story to write!).

I will know I’ve achieved my goals if at the end of two weeks I’ve got a new personal best at running and I’ve got over 10k words of fiction written.