Easy or hard?

I went to school with a girl who was fantastic at “soft” subjects like English, but wanted to study sciences for A level. After a year she changed and admitted where her strengths were, and started over again.

I’ll always remember one time when they were looking for contributions for the school magazine. She scoffed. She rattled off a long poem that she claimed was rubbish and pretentious. They fell upon it and published it.

It always irked me that the ease with which she dismissed it did not tally with the quality of it.

Even as an adult, I feel that I’m struggling to put something together, anything, only to have someone turn around behind me and rattle off something far superior with very little effort.

It’s incredibly demotivating, to feel so useless, to feel that all my best efforts don’t match with other people’s casual efforts.

I feel like the toddler who holds up their stick-figure drawing for approval, while surrounded by art students.

Easter Monday here, so I’ve been pottering around instead of working. I’ve been reading through some of my old writing. There’s definitely a spark there. But it feels like while for other people it’s a stroll in the park, for me it’s a hike up a steep mountain.

But somehow I can’t let it go…

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by emmyleigh on April 1, 2024  •  Permalink
Posted in childhood, creativity, life control, life experiences, writing
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Posted by emmyleigh on April 1, 2024

https://emmyleigh.wordpress.com/2024/04/01/easy-or-hard/

Comfort zones

I’ve done something completely out of my comfort zone today. It’s worrying just how much it’s thrown me. I’m currently going through a crisis of confidence – nothing I ever do is good enough, everyone else is so much better than me, I’ll never be up to their standard, I’m a waste of space, there’s no point even trying… you get the idea.

I’m trying to ignore it and push through, but I’ve gaslighted myself so much over the years that it’s hard. On the one hand, I’m trying to be more myself, to stop worrying about conforming, to acknowledge what I like and what I want. On the other hand, I’m telling myself that my feelings are wrong, that I can’t give in to them, that I need to push through. Feel the fear and do it anyway, isn’t that the saying?

It’s hard when you consider yourself to be a child amongst adults. I read a book (Rachel’s Holiday, I believe) that said that when you use a coping mechanism (in Rachel’s case it was drugs), your development is frozen at that point. It’s only when you face your fears and manage without your coping mechanism that you start developing and growing again.

So I guess that makes me around gawky teenager stage…

I really do feel as though that’s where I am. I was never a typical teenager. Never hit the rebellious stage, always did as I was told, never made a fuss. I was taught to ignore my own needs and wants and consider myself merely an accessory to those around me, to accept what they offered and not ask for more. It’s incredibly hard to break out of that.

And not having time and space to myself is starting to wear me down. I’ve done a lot of peopling recently, and the pressure is building.

As a teenager I went on a boating trip with people from Sunday School/youth club. There were four boats, and 9 kids plus 2 adults on each boat. I remember one night it all got too much for me. We were moored in a field near Windsor, and I left the boat and walked out into the middle of the field in the dark, then stood there quietly. I saw people moving between boats. I learned later they were concerned and looking for me – I didn’t expect that. But I so needed that decompression time!

These days I’ll usually deal with it by getting a day bus ticket and travelling all around the area for a day. Trouble is, I have plenty of work at the moment, so don’t really have time to slack off.

On the other hand, as the pressure grows work becomes harder and harder and I work slower and slower… so sometimes it’s necessary just to stop for a while and sharpen my mental axe before continuing.

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by emmyleigh on March 14, 2024  •  Permalink
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Posted by emmyleigh on March 14, 2024

https://emmyleigh.wordpress.com/2024/03/14/comfort-zones/

Four years on

It was exactly four years ago that the government said they weren’t bringing in a lockdown but people should stay home or work from home where possible. At the same time, hubby’s office was told they should work from home “for a couple of weeks”.

So four years on – we’re still here. He’s still working from home, and has been all through, although he is now back in the office one day a week. I’m grateful for that – I’m finding it very wearing working in the same room as him, especially since he’s often on work calls – and moves from conversation with me to conversation with work colleagues with no noticeable switch.

In one way, it’s good for me, as it guilts me into sitting and focusing on work. But in another, I’m finding it exhausting, because I constantly feel watched and crowded. I’m savouring that one day a week now, but as the son who lives with us is usually still around it doesn’t completely relieve my tension.

However, I’m starting to branch out a little. I’ve hated my real name for most of my life, and I’ve found I’m using the name Emmy more and more where I can get away with it – having joined a new play reading group, for example, I use that name there, and I use it in singing lessons. But I don’t expect people who’ve known me for a long time to switch – most of them haven’t even switched to the shorter version of my name, which I’ve been using regularly for several years now, so calling me by a completely different name would be far too big an ask! So I won’t be going the legal route, just using Emmy informally.

I’m also experimenting with a new hobby, although that’s still under wraps for now. Just done on the quiet, and on the day when hubby is in the office. It’s my secret me-space.

And I’m still writing. My current novel is starting to really grow on me, to the extent that I’m doing a lot of background reading on economics and politics. But I really must progress with the story itself, so I can get back to the beginning and start updating it.

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by emmyleigh on March 14, 2024  •  Permalink
Posted in covid19, creativity, life control, writing
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Posted by emmyleigh on March 14, 2024

https://emmyleigh.wordpress.com/2024/03/14/four-years-on/

It’s not about the food

I’m currently working on losing weight and increasing my fitness. But I’m starting to realise it’s not about what I eat or don’t eat. It goes much deeper than that. It’s about playing the long game instead of going for the quick fix. It’s about respecting my body and giving it what it deserves, healthy food in healthy quantities. It’s about getting up and moving instead of slumping on the sofa and zoning out.
I’m using a system called slimpod, which largely consists of listening to the same 10 minute audio every day and looking for positive moments in the day, food related or not. The idea is to work on your unconscious mind, which absorbs the messages and changes behaviour and attitudes. But it’s also making me reflect on various things. How much is habit – what and when I eat – rather than what I need. What I actually want and like. What I want in life.
I started at the beginning of November, and I’m definitely changing. How much is causation and how much correlation I can’t say, but I’m taking more notice of my own wants and needs, and trying to “eat less, move more, choose better.”

I’ve joined a play reading group, where we read through and discuss different plays. While I’d love to try acting, the theatre group I’m involved with tends to go for experienced people rather than beginners, which is understandable in one way but frustrating in another, and I don’t have the time or resources to try any other groups, which I’m sure are very similar anyway. But at least I’m moving in that direction.
I’m starting to use the name Emmy in some real life situations now, as well as online.

I’m increasing my exercise levels, by running more and swimming/gymming more, as well as stretches and other exercises at home.
I’ve started singing lessons, and got back to my guitar. This is an area I want to develop more, with regular singing, piano and guitar practice. I’d forgotten how much pleasure it used to give me. My next treat will be to visit the local music shop to get a book or two of songs with guitar chords and piano music, as my stock has dwindled over the years.
With all this looking for the wins in the day, I’ve realised I feel uncomfortable acknowledging the good things, so that’s something I’m working on, allowing myself to recognise a good feeling and celebrate it.
(The title of this post is inspired by Lance Armstrong’s autobiography It’s not about the bike, which focused on strategies for winning, rather than specific bike techniques. Sadly, one of his techniques turned out to be doping, but the principle is still sound. Also taking notes from a raid leader I used to know, whose main strategy for successful raids was carefully selecting the team he fought with before getting anywhere near the actual raid.)

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by emmyleigh on February 17, 2024  •  Permalink
Posted in health, life control, life experiences, running
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Posted by emmyleigh on February 17, 2024

https://emmyleigh.wordpress.com/2024/02/17/its-not-about-the-food/

Rivals or supporters?

I came across a post today that was sharing a sign declaring “I’m not interested in competing with anyone. I hope we all make it.”

My first reaction was to agree with it.

Then I thought more deeply. Maybe that’s my problem. I’m not competing, but everyone else is, it seems. So I’m waiting for someone to tell me “it’s your turn now” and it never happens. Meanwhile, I’m always stepping back for others to have their turn.

I’d claim part of the problem is that I’ve not found anything yet that’s worth fighting for.

And yet I know that if I consider I’m unlikely to be able to have something, I’ll gaslight myself into believing I don’t want it anyway. So how would I even know?

When I was in what would now be year 8, we had swimming lessons once a week in the school’s outside pool. It was freezing cold, and I always took a long time to get in the water, because I’m oversensitive to the cold. The result was that the teacher always took the girls she considered to be the good swimmers to the deep end, leaving those of us she considered poor swimmers to practise widths in the shallow end.

They were learning to do racing dives, and I would watch enviously as they had fun learning to dive headfirst into the water.

I went swimming with friends at the local swimming pool around this time, or maybe with youth group – I don’t remember. But what I do remember is practising the same skills the top swimming group were learning.

When it came up to the next swimming lesson, which was to be the last of the term, I remember getting very upset because I had planned to show off what I could do, but I had a piano lesson scheduled. I disappeared off to cry in the toilets, and someone knocked on the door and said she had a piano lesson that day and would swap with me so I could still do the swimming lesson. I’ve never figured out how people knew that was what I was upset about, or how someone came up with a solution so quickly, but I’ve been grateful to them ever since.

So I got into the pool that morning, a lot more quickly than usual, went to the deep end and showed the teacher that although she’d been dismissing me as useless I was just as good as the others.

That urge is coming over me now – that urge to show people that while they’ve been dismissing me, as I encourage others rather than pushing myself forward, I’m still just as capable of doing things.

Trouble is, putting the habit of putting others first and my fear of rejection/failure into the mix makes things very uncomfortable…

How do you know what you want, and how do you then fight for it instead of letting others do it all while you watch?

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by emmyleigh on January 14, 2024  •  Permalink
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Posted by emmyleigh on January 14, 2024

https://emmyleigh.wordpress.com/2024/01/14/rivals-or-supporters/

Two mes

How’s the fitness/weight loss going?

I’ve decided there are two mes. Let’s call them adult me and child me. Adult me knows that I need to cut down particularly on sugar, do more exercise, and generally improve my health. Adult me makes sure the shopping is for sensible, healthy food. Adult me books sessions at the swimming pool, and encourages me to go to the gym beforehand.

Child me reluctantly turns up to the swimming sessions and gym, sometimes whining and complaining all the way. Child me thumbs her nose at adult me and ties her in a chair whenever she feels bored or hungry, and then tucks in.

Child me has just figured out that if she puts something on the shopping list then adult me is trained to automatically buy it.

The only way I’m going to win in this game is to somehow enlist child me and get her on board.

My poor attention span at the moment really doesn’t help!

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by emmyleigh on October 4, 2023  •  Permalink
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Posted by emmyleigh on October 4, 2023

https://emmyleigh.wordpress.com/2023/10/04/two-mes/

A one-month check-in

So a month ago I declared I was going to get myself fit and lose weight. How’s that going?

Kind of sidetracked by not having a car over the summer to get down to the swimming pool and gym, and that wasn’t helped by daytime swimming sessions being severely curtailed anyway.

Also sidetracked by hungry me, who seems to be a little monster living inside me. Sensible me can be all behind this weight loss thing, but if hungry me gets woken he gets in control. Sensible me is left jumping up and down on the sidelines saying “you’re going to regret this!” and he’s always right, but hungry me just has to have those crackers with cheese or whatever the current snack is.

But as the kids go back to school (I know I don’t have any of school age, but we live right by a school so the rhythm still applies) and the swimming pool is back to normal, so I spent over an hour in the gym this morning before a swim. And I’ve been cutting down on the unhealthy snacks at least!

So for now I’m aiming to concentrate on building muscle rather than losing fat, but hoping that happens along the way anyway.

My scales tell me that my fat level is far too high, while my hydration and muscle levels are both low. So we’ll see how things go over the next few weeks. And I’ll try my best to keep hungry me under control.

In the meantime, show rehearsals and Guides are picking up again, and there’s always parish council meetings, so I’m keeping myself busy!

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by emmyleigh on September 4, 2023  •  Permalink
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Posted by emmyleigh on September 4, 2023

https://emmyleigh.wordpress.com/2023/09/04/a-one-month-check-in/

The Maze in the Playground

My sons’ school had a maze painted on the playground. As people moved around that area, they tended to fall into one of two groups – either they would follow the path of the maze or they would walk straight across, ignoring the lines. But at least the lines themselves were visible to all.

Life for me has felt like everyone else is following the maze lines but I can’t see them. I’m left trying to work out what they’re doing and why, and trying to fit in.

To use another analogy, life is like a giant game of Mornington Crescent, where everyone knows what’s going on except me.

I’ve recently come to realise that I’m autistic. I’m not officially diagnosed, but it makes so much make sense that it’s the logical conclusion. Suddenly I can see the maze, or at least understand that it exists. Everything suddenly falls into place, and the world shifts into better focus.

Sadly, in my childhood there was nothing like the level of understanding there is these days. No one raised an eyebrow when my favourite activity was lining up my mother’s ornaments and marching them around in lines. No one questioned why my feet were so sensitive to cold surfaces or ground like pebbles, or why I would sometimes misunderstand or misinterpret. Or why I would spend my playtime moving in odd directions and doing odd things (I was exercising my ponies and walking all my dogs, okay?) And life was so confusing generally, I just kept quiet, kept to myself and accepted whatever came my way – it was my fault for not understanding life properly.

Now it’s like I’ve learned that I’m dealing with life on hard mode, while most others are on easy mode. It’s not a comfortable discovery, but it’s a reassuring one. My greatest trigger has always been fear of gaslighting, or worse – that I really was getting it wrong, because I struggled to tell the difference. Now at least I know there’s a reason why I might misunderstand or misinterpret, or find something difficult when others don’t, or when I could do it last week and will be able to do it again next week.

I struggled with homework because I have a problem with executive function, not because I was lazy. I struggle with people because I think in binary terms, not shades of grey. I get anxious because I don’t fully understand the world and people around me, and that can vary depending on many factors, which is why I can do something one day and not the next, why I need to build up to something and not just do it.

Not entirely sure where this takes me, or whether it covers everything – I feel like there’s some ADHD creeping in, but whether that’s real or due to age may be questionable – but at least I have a better understanding of why I don’t have a better understanding. If you understand what I mean.

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by emmyleigh on August 16, 2023  •  Permalink
Posted in childhood, health, life control, life experiences
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Posted by emmyleigh on August 16, 2023

https://emmyleigh.wordpress.com/2023/08/16/the-maze-in-the-playground/

So far so good…

Okay, it’s only 2 days in, but <shrug>

I’ve been eating sensibly the last couple of days, and doing exercises – strength and flexibility – whenever I remember, odd moments while lunch is cooking etc.

And now my skipping rope has arrived. Inspired by the fitness guru in Legally Blonde, I’m going to attempt to “whip my way to tighter buns” and am looking forward to achieving the “nutcracker butt” promised by Emmet Forrest’s mother.

So far I’ve struggled to actually skip, worked out the problem was the weed growing out of the patio just where the rope was landing, removed the weed and managed to skip a few steps. It should prove a good workout – just need to do it regularly.

Patio brush is on the shopping list, to clear the rest of the weeds and give myself plenty of room!

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by emmyleigh on August 8, 2023  •  Permalink
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Posted by emmyleigh on August 8, 2023

https://emmyleigh.wordpress.com/2023/08/08/so-far-so-good-2/

Time to get serious

I’ve been playing around for far too long now with my weight. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been right now, nearly 3 stone heavier than ten years ago – although that was after a year of stress at work while working full time out of the house. Lockdown really didn’t help!

Now I’m complaining I can’t run fast, my clothes are tight, my joints are stiffening and I’m prediabetic. The scale is starting to ask if it’s me or hubby. And I’ve realised that I could lose nearly half my body weight and still be within normal limits.
I don’t do weight loss groups. I hate being told what to do. And I can be too obsessive so worry about strict diets. But I have an appointment with the lifestyle clinic in a couple of weeks, and by then I really want to be moving in the right direction.
So what will my strategy be?
I snack too much. I comfort eat. I spend too much time sitting. I also have big portions for the evening meal.
So I’m aiming for healthy meals, healthy snacks but smaller main meal. More awareness of what and when I eat. And lots of exercise. Back to running regularly, gym and swim twice a week, dog walks, stretching and core exercises daily. And because I can’t do things by halves, I’m planning to blog regularly about my progress and also be more active with housework and novel writing. As well as working on singing exercises.
Wish me luck!

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by emmyleigh on August 6, 2023  •  Permalink
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Posted by emmyleigh on August 6, 2023

https://emmyleigh.wordpress.com/2023/08/06/time-to-get-serious/

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