Where did I go?

In my first job out of school, I was given the nickname Loopy, as they said I was a little crazy. I’ve been watching a lot of Lucifer over the past few months, and have been attracted to that sense of fun, that zest for life, both in the character of Lucifer himself and in the behind the scenes shots of one of the stars, Lauren German. Not to mention finding Miranda, another series featuring Tom Ellis from Lucifer. Now there’s another character I identify with, especially with the bursting into song at odd moments!

What happened to me? When did I lose that excitement, that sense of fun? When did I turn into someone who spends most of her time working or thinking about work, or zoning out completely? That person who’s so focused on what she should be doing that what she wants to be doing is usually overlooked?

I spent four years recently working in schools, one year as a trainee and three as a teacher. In all that time, the moment that stands out the most to me in terms of enjoyment was just a few days before I finished in school completely. The whole school spent the day on a softball tournament, with every child in the school supposedly taking part. Even though I was nothing to do with the PE department, as a form tutor I was expected to join in and referee the games, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself, moving around all day in the fresh air, encouraging the kids, getting involved. Of all my time there, that was the moment I felt most alive.

And now I spend most of my day on my own in front of my computer, sitting at a desk, trying to earn a living. I feel guilty when I get up and move, even though it might be to take the dog out, or do housework.

And watching Lucifer and hanging out with people on twitter to talk about it, I’m remembering what it feels like to feel young, to get out and enjoy life, and I’m starting to really miss my old self.

So how do I get her back? What do I need to do, to recapture that feeling again? Maybe the first step is to make sure I take time out to explore what I do enjoy, and to rediscover that child inside me.

 

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