Am I crazy?

I’m having one of those days… or couple of days… you know the kind where you’re doubting yourself? Where you wonder if you’re actually crazy and there’s no point in trying something because you won’t succeed anyway?

I have two big projects I’m working on at the moment. I’m halfway through my first novel (I’ve been halfway through for ages now; it’s not that I’m not working at it, but the more I do the more I realise there is to do, so the goalpost keeps moving) and I’m intending to do an ultramarathon in a couple of years’ time.

So as I procrastinate my time away until there’s little time to do what has to be done, let alone what I would like to do, and as I struggle to hit the speed target I’m aiming for, I’m wondering if I’ve aimed too high, if I’m ever going to be able to write a big project/run a long race.

But you know what? I need to have faith in myself, to keep pushing on regardless of how I might feel occasionally. I’ve broken my running target down into manageable chunks – 10ks and a couple of half marathons this year, add in a full marathon or two next year and then the ultra – and I need to keep ploughing on with the novel, concentrating on getting the story told first, before I worry about how well I’m telling it. As I go through, I figure out things that need to be done earlier in the story, which is why the project keeps growing, but it’s all experience that I can make use of with future writing projects – they won’t all need this level of focus, or at least – just like running – I’ll get better results for the same amount of focus.

So maybe I am crazy, but I can live with that. And I’m going to keep running and keep writing, regardless of how my brain throws up negativity. Because stopping is more painful than carrying on.


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