I hear the wave…

Surely the universe could not allow this amount of happiness in one man, not without presenting a bill. Somewhere a big dark wave was cresting, and when it broke over his head it would wash everything away. Some days, he was sure he could hear its distant roar… Sam Vimes, on the birth of his son, in Thud by Terry Pratchett.

I feel this dark wave over my head right now. I don’t know exactly what it is, and I don’t like it. I can push it away with exercise or work, but in idle moments it forces its way back. I suspect a large part of it is the uncertainty of income at the moment. I got too complacent, relying on one large tutoring client, and it came back to bite me. I’m sure it will sort itself out,  and I’m working on it, but I’m faced with the fact that right now I am far more dependent on my husband than I like to be. He’s wonderful, but I’ve always had my own income, and it feels horrible to have to ask others for things.

Sometimes this wave makes it feel just like I’m swimming fully clothed, or running through thick deep mud – it takes so much more effort, and achieves less. And all the while there’s the feeling of time slipping away, of never really getting anywhere.

I read a fantasy book once where the dark evil force was spreading out and all they could do was run away from it as fast as they could. I remember thinking at the time – and on several occasions since – I’m not sure if I could manage to keep running, or whether  I would just turn and face it, and let it flow over me.

Well, for now I’m running. Literally and figuratively. I’m ignoring the big cloud looming over my head and reminding myself that it will lift. That once again, it’s a case of one foot in front of the other, just concentrating on the next few steps, until things ease off again. And while the voices in my head tell me how useless I am and how little I can achieve, I’m going to accept that that’s all they have to say right now, and I’m going to ignore them until they are in a better mood, or argue back and point out a few home truths about what I have achieved, what I do have, and the good things in the world. And I’m also going to keep running and writing until everything gets better.



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