S is for Smoke and Mirrors

You’re a fraud and you know it
But it’s too good to throw it all away
Anyone would do the same
You’ve got ’em going
And you’re careful not to show it
Sometimes you even fool yourself a bit
It’s like magic
But it’s always been a smoke and mirrors game
Anyone would do the same

Ever have that feeling that you’re there under false pretences, that some day they’ll figure you out? One phrase for it is imposter syndrome. I certainly feel it creeping up on me at times.

One thing I’m learning, though, is that it’s not just me. In fact I suspect that most people have this sneaking feeling of being a fraud at some points in their life – I’d be interested to hear from anyone who reckons they don’t!

When I got married, I expected to change, to feel different. In fact, the only way I changed was to realise that I would never fundamentally change. I would never wake up to feel completely different. I would always be me, and feel like me. It’s just other people’s perceptions of me that might change.

So I’ll keep on playing my smoke and mirrors game, with the awareness that everyone else is playing the same game, just some better than others. And always with that fear of being caught.

 

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