Someone kick me hard please

I’m full of ideas. I’m even good at starting to act on those ideas.

Where I hit problems is when it’s time to follow through to completion.

I don’t understand what stops me. Trouble is, so often the idea itself is enough to satisfy me. I’ll think of a story, and I’ll know exactly how it goes, but I know that I’m not able to write it in good enough quality to live up to my idea, and I know how it goes so what’s the point in actually writing it anyway?

It’s like there’s something inside me that’s decided that whatever it is won’t work so there’s no point trying. Β It’s less painful to fail because I didn’t try than to try hard and fail anyway. If I’ve decided for myself that I won’t succeed, then it’s less painful than having someone else tell me.

I do recall one time when I tried my best. When I played World of Warcraft regularly as part of a guild, I was constantly struggling to increase my damage output, and failed miserably. I spent many an hour researching and practising, to no avail. Then in the end I changed from damage dealer to healer, supporting the others in the team, and to my surprise I found I was actually good at that, so I suppose in a way I did succeed.

In many other ways, though, I will get bored partway through a project and give up. I’ve even done it with a lot of books lately – if it doesn’t hold my attention enough, it will drift from my awareness and I will end up abandoning it in favour of a different one.

Will I eventually come across something I can’t abandon, that I will feel an overwhelming urge to see through to the end? Or do I just need a massive kick to make me break out of this cycle and actually follow a project through to the bitter end?

It’s back to this constant fear of wasting time on the wrong thing, which just ends up with me wasting time on absolutely nothing.

I have an idea for a novel. At least, it’s an idea for a setting for a novel. It needs a lot of organising and polishing. Will I ever get it done? Is it worth it? Maybe one day I’ll figure out the characters and actual plot, and I’ll be interested enough to get going properly, but at the moment it’s just brewing, and flares up every so often.

I’m working on an idea for a game. Trouble is that I don’t know enough of all the different technical and creative skills I need yet to complete it properly, and struggling with both coding and gameplay is proving challenging. It is an enjoyable challenge, however, and I intend to keep going for now.

I’m just going to make a concerted effort in future to recognise this trait in myself and keep up the pressure. If I start something, I should be prepared to keep going. Conversely, I should not be starting something without an intention to see it through.

I’ve decided that I’m worth more, and my time is worth more. I deserve better than to always sit on the edge watching and wishing I was in the middle. It’s time I acted in my own interest and stood up for myself. I know what I would like, but I’ve got a habit of stepping back and letting others take over, and this needs to stop. I keep having the same lesson in life thrown at me again and again, and I’m getting bored with it. Maybe if I learn it properly it will go away?

You know what? I’m getting fed up with using the same tags over and over again – indecision, inaction. I’ve given myself another tag, determination, and that’s the one I want to use in future.

I have two ideas for novels (at least: more flash in and out, and if I encouraged them to stay I’d be inundated with ideas!) and two ideas for games, as well as another coding project I’m working on which is much more defined. I also have my art that I enjoy working on, in all its various forms.

So as long as I’m doing something, anything, I’ll consider that progress. If I’m trying out different things, then even if some of them drift to the side and become ignored, there will be others that I’m continuing with, and I’ll be achieving something, even if it’s just finding out more ways that things won’t work.

My motto is going to be “I deserve better, and I’m capable of better, so why settle for less?”

Let’s see how that goes.

 

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3 Comments

  1. Will happily come down there and kick you….coffee first though eh? πŸ˜‰

    xx

    Reply

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