Can’t choose or afraid to choose?

I’m beginning to realise just how rarely I pick for myself what to do. It’s either working hard or complete vegging out – it seems that if there’s not something I have to do, then I’d rather waste time than deliberately spend it on something that might turn out to be a waste of time.
Hm. That doesn’t even make sense to me!
You see, if I’ve chosen to do something, and that turns out to be wrong, that’s my fault. And I can’t bear the thought of that. Far better to retreat into myself and do nothing.
At least if I know I’m deliberately wasting time, that’s understandable. But if I feel it’s something that’s worthwhile and I turn out to be wrong, then – oh, I can’t explain it even to myself. All I know is that I’ll deliberately choose to waste time playing games on the computer rather than doing something constructive. And it’s starting to really annoy me.
I recently broke up with some friends I used to hang out with a lot. And that leaves me on my own even more than usual. I’m beginning to think it’s time to break out of these destructive habits and find my own way. If it means time is wasted – so what? it’s being wasted anyway.
I’ve really enjoyed starting to be more creative. Now I’m starting to want to do more. To make the words flow from my fingers. To produce works of art that if they don’t look good at the end at least they’ll have got me into a great frame of mind while working on them.
And just for once I’d like to end up really good at something. Even if it turns out to be the wrong thing. Because being good at the wrong thing is better than being good at nothing at all.

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1 Comment

  1. You don’t have to be “good” at anything hon, just be you 🙂

    Xx

    Reply

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